I haven't written in forever. It has become hard to put what I am feeling into the proper words.
Anger. Not rage, quick and violent, but anger, slow, seething, flowing like a river. The level may rise and fall to some degree, but seems like it will never dry up.
Frustration. How long can a person continue to go through the motions, put forth a good effort in an area of his life that means so much to him, and not only fail, but often fail in heart-wrenching manner?
And of course, these things lead to pain. Pain that is some days only a mild irritant, a mosquito bite that needs no other maintenance then the occasional scratching. Other days, it can feel like attempting to amputate a perfectly healthy limb with a dull, rusty spoon.
All these things leads to the worst feeling of all: Desperation. I want all these feelings to go away so much, I am willing to try almost anything that isn't going to kill me to make them go away.
The worst part is most people I know don't know I hide all of these feelings on a regular basis because that's who I am, it's what I do. To allow these feelings to manifest would interfere in the role I play in this world, and I believe that I am important, though maybe only marginally so, to certain people in this world whom I am not related to.
Frankly, my life kinda sucks right now. I have no confidant, no best friend, no one to share this burden with, or even just to be able to get this shit off my chest.
I strive day in and day out to be there for my friends, for people I choose to care about, but I think that it is fair, every so often, to ask when is it going to be my turn?
When is someone out there going to go WAY out of their way to make sure that I am ok, that I don't need to vent or bitch or just fucking punch some inanimate shit?
More importantly, when is someone going to give me the opportunity to make them fall in love with me?
I am sick of being alone, I am sick of being angry, I am sick of banging my head against a wall repeatedly...lately, I am sick of being me.
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hey man... i just found out about this "we feel fine.org" thing... it reaches out through the internet and keeps track of every time someone says "i feel" and "i am feeling"... its an "out there" kind of program. longer story short. i feel ya man. if you truly are looking for someone to talk to... here i am. I am commenting through my google+ account, and blog through this site as "living to let die"
ReplyDeleteI'm non partial, i don't know any of the people you know. and you don't know anyone i know. we can get shit off our chest to a real person who, like "me/you" just wants to be heard sometimes... reach out if you want to man. or don't if you fear that i am just some internet weirdo. because i just wanted you to know... SOMEONE out there across the vast seas of the internet and saw
"I am willing to try almost anything that isn't going to kill me to make them go away."
i reached my hand out there. and i will not judge if you don't want to grab it.