Somedays it doesn't pay to get out of bed

I haven't written in forever. It has become hard to put what I am feeling into the proper words.

Anger. Not rage, quick and violent, but anger, slow, seething, flowing like a river. The level may rise and fall to some degree, but seems like it will never dry up.

 Frustration. How long can a person continue to go through the motions, put forth a good effort in an area of his life that means so much to him, and not only fail, but often fail in heart-wrenching manner?

 And of course, these things lead to pain. Pain that is some days only a mild irritant, a mosquito bite that needs no other maintenance then the occasional scratching. Other days, it can feel like attempting to amputate a perfectly healthy limb with a dull, rusty spoon.

All these things leads to the worst feeling of all: Desperation. I want all these feelings to go away so much, I am willing to try almost anything that isn't going to kill me to make them go away.

The worst part is most people I know don't know I hide all of these feelings on a regular basis because that's who I am, it's what I do. To allow these feelings to manifest would interfere in the role I play in this world, and I believe that I am important, though maybe only marginally so, to certain people in this world whom I am not related to.

 Frankly, my life kinda sucks right now. I have no confidant, no best friend, no one to share this burden with, or even just to be able to get this shit off my chest. I strive day in and day out to be there for my friends, for people I choose to care about, but I think that it is fair, every so often, to ask when is it going to be my turn?

When is someone out there going to go WAY out of their way to make sure that I am ok, that I don't need to vent or bitch or just fucking punch some inanimate shit? More importantly, when is someone going to give me the opportunity to make them fall in love with me?

 I am sick of being alone, I am sick of being angry, I am sick of banging my head against a wall repeatedly...lately, I am sick of being me.