Douchebagery - conduct or behavior that would ultimately lead a person to be called a douchebag, or the shortened version, douche.
As a public service to everyone, I am going to advise you all to not engage in douchebagery. Please. For the love of what little is right and sacred in this world. Most douchebagery can be completely avoided by simply thinking about what you are doing before you do it. Put yourself in the place of a person or persons affected by your potential behavior. If you were them, would you call yourself a douchebag? If the answer is anything but a solid no, then do not engage in that behavior. Any chance, even the slightest sliver, that you may be called a douchebag, err on the side of caution and cease and desist all action immediately. Sit down, have a soda, or a smoke, read a magazine, pick your damn nose until such a time as you can't remember what the hell you were going to do in the first place. Then, and only then should you precede with the rest of your life.
Seriously, when did it become all right to be a douchebag? When, as a society, did we suddenly start looking the other way when people who you don't even know to rip on you, make fun of your taste in music, call you fat on the street or otherwise engage in douchebagery without fear of retribution? The other day, I was at a bar, it was closing time, couple of guys walked outside after finishing their beers, called a guy in a group of people a 'fag', got punched in the face, then couldn't understand why he got punched in the face? Do people do not get it?
I blame two forces who have been at work over the last at least 30 years: Dr. Spock, of child-rearing fame, and the hippies. I shall start with the hippies(and yes, I am stealing this argument from Chad, hope he doesn't mind too much). Here you have not only a generation of people, but a lifestyle that at times spanned as many generations as it has subsequently affected. I use hippies in a broad sense for anyone who wanted to better the world in the 60's and 70's. They fought to end a war that, in my opinion, the US had no right to become involved in. A war that killed way more then it saved, and scarred a large chunk of a generation of veterans either emotionally, mentally, or physically. They fought like hell, got arrested on several occasions and despite setback after setback, still fought like hell against an atrocity that needed correcting. Now, you might be asking yourself, well this seems like a good thing, right? Well, somewhere, hippies changed. At some point, they got lazy. They started getting things without really working for them. Hippies turned into CEOs and lawyers and market analysts where the only thing they really had to fight for was a better parking space for their Benz or Beamer or Jag. Now, maybe they stopped fighting because they stopped caring, but I can say I don't truly know. But the major reason I blame the hippies for society today, even though most of them are 50+ years old by now, is that they did not pass that fight, that burning desire to somehow implement change in this world into their own children. Their kids do not know that it is OK, and arguably required to care about something so much that you would do anything in your power to change it. Sometimes it is OK to roll with the punches, so to speak, but often people do not stand up to stop something from happening. These people allow douchebagery to continue because even if it affects them in some way, they just do not have the where-with-all to stand up for either themselves or others. Well, I am here to say enough is e-fucking-nough. Stand up, be heard. If someone at work is being a douchebag, tell them to knock it the fuck off, and if they continue, file a complaint with whomever you need. If there is something, some cause that you as a person feel strongly about, get involved. If your parents or grandparents were alive in the days of peace, love and rock&roll, talk to them about the passion they had about the causes they were fighting for. If it was something that they were particularly passionate about, watch for their fists to clench when they talk about it, look for the fire in their eyes, or maybe that their voice picks up a little something, a passion, a tremble, or maybe they get a little bit louder when they talk about it. Somewhere, everyone has something that gets them fired right the hell up, and that's OK, and frankly, anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a douchebag.
Now, on to Dr. Spock. Now, I am not completely familiar with his theories on child rearing, so if I misrepresent something I apologize. That being said, Dr. Spock taught an entire generation of parents how to raise their kids, and frankly, he taught them wrong. One of his tenants of child rearing was the so-called 'instant gratification of needs'. Well, after an honest look, for an infant, or a toddler who cannot yet properly vocalize his or her needs, then yes, this is fine, in fact, I do not know anyone who would legitimately let their own baby cry before checking on him or her first. I say that if your baby does not need a new diaper, is not hungry or sick, and continues to cry whether being held or not may just need to cry for a bit, but again, only after every possible need is address. When I was young, I cried for no reason whatsoever from time to time. For me, it was a baby workout. This behavior, this rule has been either continued longer then necessary or corrupted to be more along the lines of 'instant gratification of wants', usually, in my opinion, the latter. As to avoid a scene in a grocery store, or department store, or the mall, if a kid even threatens to have a tantrum, they instantly get not something that they need (food, water, potty break/diaper change) but something that they want RIGHT NOW. Now, older folks, or at least people with older parents, remember trying to get away with that kind of behavior. Once, after shopping for over an hour, my own mother let me have a tantrum in the store, then preceded to 'pull this store over' and left everything that she had selected in the cart and took us all home. I was grounded, and had my allowance taken away, and yes (god forbid) I was even spanked. And yet, despite having a name that sends most people into song, I think I turned out relatively decent. I have a decent respect for logical authority, and I know the value of a hard day's work and the value of money. I never, ever got anything handed to me, even my college education is something that I have to continue to work for. I also understand the meaning of sacrifice, something that is too far lost on today's youth. But, by giving these children everything they want right now, parents are instilling on their children a learned behavior, much like Pavlov's dogs. Each time that they were denied, or even when they potentially could be denied, they start throwing a tantrum. Especially funny is when said tantrum is directed at attempting to make a college professor or police officer to 'crumble' under the perceived power of the tantrum. What these kids fail to realize is that doesn't work in the real world. In reality, life sucks sometimes, but unless you have the where-with-all to fight against injustices with hard work, blood, sweat and tears, don't expect anything to change.
So, in conclusion, the short version. Don't be a douchebag. If you see yourself being a douchebag, stop and take stock of why. Hippies got lazy and greedy, and Dr. Spock is, frankly, an idiot. Hey, dumbass, it's not logical to fix something that isn't broken. (see what I did there?) Society is screwed, so much so that I think its going to take a crusade against douchebagery by someone with enough fire and passion to fuel the hard work, blood, sweat and tears needed to effectively combat an epidemic that is more prevalent then AIDS, and more annoying then Kathy Griffin on crystal meth. Food for thought right there.
Remember, only YOU can prevent douchebagery.
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