I am in search of validation.
They say that nice guys finish last. My feelings on that particular cliché are starting to waver.
I feel like I am a nice guy. I am kind to people I meet and even allow certain people to be jerks to me when I know I shouldn’t. I also know that being a nice guy hasn’t gotten me a date in a very, very long time.
Some (actually most) of my friends say that it will come, with time, that I will find myself someone to be with. They also say that I don’t need to be with someone to be happy, or at least content , with my life.
Problem is this: I do.
I either need to find someone who likes me for who and what I am in order to validate my opinion that I can be a nice guy and still be happy, or I need to stop being a nice guy, stop putting everyone else’s feelings above my own and go after what I want.
I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get it.
I got lucky once. A girl liked me because I was a nice guy, and liked me enough to make all the right moves.
I fucked that one up. I do not expect to get that lucky a second time.
I know I am clinging to people who treat me like shit. As my buddy Chad has said on many an occasion, I need to cut these cancers out of my life before they start sucking the life from my very being. Well, it may be too prevent them from sucking some of the life from me, but with some aggressive treatment from the proper professionals, these cancers can be removed and my life essence restored.
The bigger problem I face is going after what I want in life right now. I want to date, whether that be exclusively or just to see what’s out there. I want the things that come with that: the awkward first kiss, the potential follow-up good night kisses, the holding hands, the cuddling, the teasing, the tickling, and depending on how far it goes, the falling asleep in each other’s arms. Frankly, I don’t think I have enough game to even get that close to what I am looking for.
I know I am not the most physically attractive guy on the planet. I do know what I need to fix that, but lately I haven’t had the motivation to even bother. It has become a vicious cycle, one which needs to be broken.
I do need a little help with that, and other things. Obi-Wan Kenobi isn’t my only hope, but I could sure use a little help from the force right now.
