The definition of insanity

Insanity is often described as doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results each time.  By this definition, I am insane.

I know this woman.  I am friends with said woman.  I worked up the courage to ask her to dinner, she said yes.  This is when I started getting my hopes up.  Hopes of maybe having a relationship with her, hopes that maybe, finally I had found the beautiful woman who might make me feel like I am worth, and that I deserve, nothing less then the best.

Now she may read this, and if she does, I just want her to know, this is not her fault.  She was, however, the catalyst, in a manner of speaking.  For her, I have only one question:  Why not me?  What is it specifically that I lack?

It is the fact that this is not the first time this has happened that makes me insane.  Well, indirectly at least.  I keep getting my hopes up when it comes to beautiful women whom I would like to date that show even the slightest bit of interest.  Then I either ask them out and get shot down flat, or I do nothing and find out I missed my opportunity, if said opportunity ever existed.

Yet I continue to do it, the same process, the same me, expecting that this time, maybe, hopefully, will be the time that everything works out, and I finally impress a woman enough to make her want to get to know me better and maybe, just maybe, realize that I am a man who is worthy of the best, and, more importantly, that I think and feel that she may be the best.

Here's to hoping shit starts to go better.  If it doesn't, look for me to be going on a bender in the near future.

Somedays it doesn't pay to get out of bed

I haven't written in forever. It has become hard to put what I am feeling into the proper words.

Anger. Not rage, quick and violent, but anger, slow, seething, flowing like a river. The level may rise and fall to some degree, but seems like it will never dry up.

 Frustration. How long can a person continue to go through the motions, put forth a good effort in an area of his life that means so much to him, and not only fail, but often fail in heart-wrenching manner?

 And of course, these things lead to pain. Pain that is some days only a mild irritant, a mosquito bite that needs no other maintenance then the occasional scratching. Other days, it can feel like attempting to amputate a perfectly healthy limb with a dull, rusty spoon.

All these things leads to the worst feeling of all: Desperation. I want all these feelings to go away so much, I am willing to try almost anything that isn't going to kill me to make them go away.

The worst part is most people I know don't know I hide all of these feelings on a regular basis because that's who I am, it's what I do. To allow these feelings to manifest would interfere in the role I play in this world, and I believe that I am important, though maybe only marginally so, to certain people in this world whom I am not related to.

 Frankly, my life kinda sucks right now. I have no confidant, no best friend, no one to share this burden with, or even just to be able to get this shit off my chest. I strive day in and day out to be there for my friends, for people I choose to care about, but I think that it is fair, every so often, to ask when is it going to be my turn?

When is someone out there going to go WAY out of their way to make sure that I am ok, that I don't need to vent or bitch or just fucking punch some inanimate shit? More importantly, when is someone going to give me the opportunity to make them fall in love with me?

 I am sick of being alone, I am sick of being angry, I am sick of banging my head against a wall repeatedly...lately, I am sick of being me.

The Pursuit, or lack thereof

I am in search of validation. 

They say that nice guys finish last.  My feelings on that particular cliché are starting to waver.

I feel like I am a nice guy.  I am kind to people I meet and even allow certain people to be jerks to me when I know I shouldn’t.  I also know that being a nice guy hasn’t gotten me a date in a very, very long time.

Some (actually most) of my friends say that it will come, with time, that I will find myself someone to be with.  They also say that I don’t need to be with someone to be happy, or at least content , with my life.

Problem is this:  I do.

I either need to find someone who likes me for who and what I am in order to validate my opinion that I can be a nice guy and still be happy, or I need to stop being a nice guy, stop putting everyone else’s feelings above my own and go after what I want.

I know what I want, but I don’t know how to get it.

I got lucky once.  A girl liked me because I was a nice guy, and liked me enough to make all the right moves. 

I fucked that one up.  I do not expect to get that lucky a second time.

I know I am clinging to people who treat me like shit.  As my buddy Chad has said on many an occasion, I need to cut these cancers out of my life before they start sucking the life from my very being.  Well, it may be too prevent them from sucking some of the life from me, but with some aggressive treatment from the proper professionals, these cancers can be removed and my life essence restored.

The bigger problem I face is going after what I want in life right now.  I want to date, whether that be exclusively or just to see what’s out there.  I want the things that come with that:  the awkward first kiss, the potential follow-up good night kisses, the holding hands, the cuddling, the teasing, the tickling, and depending on how far it goes, the falling asleep in each other’s arms.  Frankly, I don’t think I have enough game to even get that close to what I am looking for.

I know I am not the most physically attractive guy on the planet.  I do know what I need to fix that, but lately I haven’t had the motivation to even bother.  It has become a vicious cycle, one which needs to be broken.

I do need a little help with that, and other things.  Obi-Wan Kenobi isn’t my only hope, but I could sure use a little help from the force right now.

Home Sweet Home?

Was driving home today, heard a song I really like, have heard it before, but it always gets me thinking. 
Rehab - Welcome Home.  There is a verse that gets to me every time.

What a beautiful day
Lookin back and thinkin bout the people that I'm missin
You can hear 'em in the breeze and the trees if ya listen
Some are in the ground and some are in prison

I think of two people.  Jared Paul Stene, taken too early, was a great man at a young age, could have been a better man, and could have accomplished some monumentally epic things.  Now we are all left to wonder what could have been.

The other is my brother.  In prison until 2018 at least, and when I think of him, questions start pouring in.

Where will I be then?  Will I have a family?  Will I have a career job?

Then I start to wonder about the meaning of home.  Some say home is where the heart is, but what if your heart is broken into pieces?  A small piece with him, another with my mother, another with my father, but the biggest piece for me is for my sister.

"But you don't have a sister Jon."

I was supposed to.  I was a twin.  I have tried to make peace with never being able to feel quite whole, but usually fail horribly.  But, I digress.

If home is where the heart is, and my heart is everywhere and nowhere, then where is home?  I used to feel at home on the football field, coaching or broadcasting, I no longer have that feeling.  Used to have that feeling while working as a DJ, but my educators sucked all the passion I had for that.

Where is home?

I wonder, after spending at least 10 years in prison, where will my brother feel at home?  Will it be at the house we grew up in, one that may only contain me?  If not, where else could he possibly get that feeling?  He sure as hell is not going to get welcomed home from the members of the community. 

Where is home?

I figure that I will take a page from former U.S. Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart when, in a 1964 decision, wrote "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced . . . [b]ut I know it when I see it . . ."

I miss you brother, and on that day when you are released from your chains, I will welcome you home, as best I can.

"We're SHIT-heads now, and we'll be SHIT-heads forever."

So, sometimes inspiration comes from a movie.

Anyone ever seen the movie "Accepted"?  Biggest star in the whole movie, Lewis Black.  I have no idea who else is in it, nor do I care.  Google it, or IMDB it.  Basic synopsis, guy gets rejected from every college he applies to, so in a moment of desperation a guy creates a college, and it explodes into something he could not imagine.

One of the last scenes in the movie is this guy and his 'students' presenting their case to the Accreditation board for them to become a formal college.  Here is the speech from that scene that has inspired me today.

Bartleby Gaines: Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. And it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are. Just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them. And I am damn proud of that fact. I mean, Harmon College and their - and their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Bartleby Gaines: Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.
Bartleby Gaines: You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I - I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities. A - and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me. I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point. Because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place. 'Cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us!

I have come to realize having been graduated from college for almost six months that I have had a similar experience, in so far as my college curriculum succeeded in sucking away my passion, and only preparing me for what THEY wanted me to be prepared for.

I want to work in radio.  I want to be involved in sports broadcasting in either TV or radio, preferably radio.  My education prepared me to be in television news.  Now, this happens a lot, I am sure of it.  The college or university you want to attend, or the one you can afford, doesn't have a curriculum for exactly what you are looking for, so you, as a student, compromise for whatever is closest, often being forced to learn skills you don't necessarily want or need.  What benefit is that to a student?  I would say that your faculty and administrators would argue that you never know when you may need that skill or knowledge.  To my former professors who may want to pose that question to me, I can tell you when I will need the skills I learned in all those classes about television news:  NEVER.  I do not plan to compromise my career choice with working somewhere I do not want to.  I would rather be a late night radio disc jockey who makes minimum wage then to subject myself to ANOTHER job that I hate.  Been there, done that, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and a mild sleeping disorder.

So, first I am calling out my old professors.  That's right, I am calling out my old professors because everytime I suggested a minor change in the way things were done, or how this class or that lab could be tweaked to better serve MY education and MY passion, I was at best summarily dismissed because I was the student, and at worst actually had a door slammed in my face BY MY ADVISER.  It was my professors who sucked away my passion for being a college DJ, it was my professors who had me contemplating dropping out of college, and it was my professors that ultimately gave me the drive to graduate college, not because they inspired me to be my best, or anything even remotely close to that, but because they inspired me to prove to myself that I could do what I wanted to do with my life not BECAUSE of the skills I learned in college, but IN SPITE of my education.

Second, I want to tell any current, future, or former college students considering a return the academia to NOT STAND FOR THIS.  Professors, by and large, fail to understand the nature of the student/teacher relationship in college, and how it differs from that same relationship in high school.  First and foremost, DO NOT take any belitting by anyone in a position of authority.  You may be young, and you may not have the life experiences of those attempting to impart some bit of knowledge to you, but that DOES NOT give them any right to treat you like anything less then an adult.  They should not treat you like a child, because you are not.  Also, do not let them steal your passion for any topic.  As a part of the student/professor relationship, you need to realize that YOU PAY THEM.  College is a service industry.  You pay tuition, fees, and room and board to attend a university or college, you pay for the SERVICES your institution provides.  You also can determine, within reason, how often you take advantage of the particular service of learning a particular topic, ie go to class.  In essence, professors WORK FOR YOU.  Some have forgotten that, so please, politely remind them who is in charge of YOUR higher education.


I will find my passion again, I will find my zen, my peace.  I WILL fight for what I believe in, and no one, especially someone I am paying to perform a service for me, will EVER treat me like my college professors treated me.  Just another step in my fight against douchebagery.

A little edumacation

Douchebagery - conduct or behavior that would ultimately lead a person to be called a douchebag, or the shortened version, douche.

As a public service to everyone, I am going to advise you all to not engage in douchebagery.  Please.  For the love of what little is right and sacred in this world.  Most douchebagery can be completely avoided by simply thinking about what you are doing before you do it.  Put yourself in the place of a person or persons affected by your potential behavior.  If you were them, would you call yourself a douchebag?  If the answer is anything but a solid no, then do not engage in that behavior.  Any chance, even the slightest sliver, that you may be called a douchebag, err on the side of caution and cease and desist all action immediately.  Sit down, have a soda, or a smoke, read a magazine, pick your damn nose until such a time as you can't remember what the hell you were going to do in the first place.  Then, and only then should you precede with the rest of your life.

Seriously, when did it become all right to be a douchebag?  When, as a society, did we suddenly start looking the other way when people who you don't even know to rip on you, make fun of your taste in music, call you fat on the street or otherwise engage in douchebagery without fear of retribution?  The other day, I was at a bar, it was closing time, couple of guys walked outside after finishing their beers, called a guy in a group of people a 'fag', got punched in the face, then couldn't understand why he got punched in the face?  Do people do not get it?

I blame two forces who have been at work over the last at least 30 years:  Dr. Spock, of child-rearing fame, and the hippies.  I shall start with the hippies(and yes, I am stealing this argument from Chad, hope he doesn't mind too much).  Here you have not only a generation of people, but a lifestyle that at times spanned as many generations as it has subsequently affected.  I use hippies in a broad sense for anyone who wanted to better the world in the 60's and 70's.  They fought to end a war that, in my opinion, the US had no right to become involved in.  A war that killed way more then it saved, and scarred a large chunk of a generation of veterans either emotionally, mentally, or physically.  They fought like hell, got arrested on several occasions and despite setback after setback, still fought like hell against an atrocity that needed correcting.  Now, you might be asking yourself, well this seems like a good thing, right?  Well, somewhere, hippies changed.  At some point, they got lazy.  They started getting things without really working for them.  Hippies turned into CEOs and lawyers and market analysts where the only thing they really had to fight for was a better parking space for their Benz or Beamer or Jag.  Now, maybe they stopped fighting because they stopped caring, but I can say I don't truly know.  But the major reason I blame the hippies for society today, even though most of them are 50+ years old by now, is that they did not pass that fight, that burning desire to somehow implement change in this world into their own children.  Their kids do not know that it is OK, and arguably required to care about something so much that you would do anything in your power to change it.  Sometimes it is OK to roll with the punches, so to speak, but often people do not stand up to stop something from happening.  These people allow douchebagery to continue because even if it affects them in some way, they just do not have the where-with-all to stand up for either themselves or others.  Well, I am here to say enough is e-fucking-nough.  Stand up, be heard.  If someone at work is being a douchebag, tell them to knock it the fuck off, and if they continue, file a complaint with whomever you need.  If there is something, some cause that you as a person feel strongly about, get involved.  If your parents or grandparents were alive in the days of peace, love and rock&roll, talk to them about the passion they had about the causes they were fighting for.  If it was something that they were particularly passionate about, watch for their fists to clench when they talk about it, look for the fire in their eyes, or maybe that their voice picks up a little something, a passion, a tremble, or maybe they get a little bit louder when they talk about it.  Somewhere, everyone has something that gets them fired right the hell up, and that's OK, and frankly, anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is a douchebag.

Now, on to Dr. Spock.  Now, I am not completely familiar with his theories on child rearing, so if I misrepresent something I apologize.  That being said, Dr. Spock taught an entire generation of parents how to raise their kids, and frankly, he taught them wrong.  One of his tenants of child rearing was the so-called 'instant gratification of needs'.  Well, after an honest look, for an infant, or a toddler who cannot yet properly vocalize his or her needs, then yes, this is fine, in fact, I do not know anyone who would legitimately let their own baby cry before checking on him or her first.  I say that if your baby does not need a new diaper, is not hungry or sick, and continues to cry whether being held or not may just need to cry for a bit, but again, only after every possible need is address.  When I was young, I cried for no reason whatsoever from time to time.  For me, it was a baby workout.  This behavior, this rule has been either continued longer then necessary or corrupted to be more along the lines of 'instant gratification of wants', usually, in my opinion, the latter.  As to avoid a scene in a grocery store, or department store, or the mall, if a kid even threatens to have a tantrum, they instantly get not something that they need (food, water, potty break/diaper change) but something that they want RIGHT NOW.  Now, older folks, or at least people with older parents, remember trying to get away with that kind of behavior.  Once, after shopping for over an hour, my own mother let me have a tantrum in the store, then preceded to 'pull this store over' and left everything that she had selected in the cart and took us all home.  I was grounded, and had my allowance taken away, and yes (god forbid) I was even spanked.  And yet, despite having a name that sends most people into song, I think I turned out relatively decent.  I have a decent respect for logical authority, and I know the value of a hard day's work and the value of money.  I never, ever got anything handed to me, even my college education is something that I have to continue to work for.  I also understand the meaning of sacrifice, something that is too far lost on today's youth.  But, by giving these children everything they want right now, parents are instilling on their children a learned behavior, much like Pavlov's dogs.  Each time that they were denied, or even when they potentially could be denied, they start throwing a tantrum.  Especially funny is when said tantrum is directed at attempting to make a college professor or police officer to 'crumble' under the perceived power of the tantrum.  What these kids fail to realize is that doesn't work in the real world.  In reality, life sucks sometimes, but unless you have the where-with-all to fight against injustices with hard work, blood, sweat and tears, don't expect anything to change. 

So, in conclusion, the short version.  Don't be a douchebag.  If you see yourself being a douchebag, stop and take stock of why.  Hippies got lazy and greedy, and Dr. Spock is, frankly, an idiot.  Hey, dumbass, it's not logical to fix something that isn't broken.  (see what I did there?)  Society is screwed, so much so that I think its going to take a crusade against douchebagery by someone with enough fire and passion to fuel the hard work, blood, sweat and tears needed to effectively combat an epidemic that is more prevalent then AIDS, and more annoying then Kathy Griffin on crystal meth.  Food for thought right there.

Remember, only YOU can prevent douchebagery.